It’s been a tough arrival. The monsoon is still clinging to the hills, thick and cloistering, and each afternoon it dumps an unremitting rain that I swear to God follows everybody inside. The air itself is full of water; there’s no place to be dry.
And the truth is, I am also a drop suspended in mid air. I’ve moved out of my apartment in New York, but I haven’t moved in to a new apartment in Connecticut, so all my things are in boxes in my parents’ basement. The plan is that when I get back in two months I’m going to be working in a manual therapy clinic in Hartford…but it hasn’t actually happened yet. It’s an idea, hovering in good faith around some boxes in a basement, waiting to be taken out and used.
That feeling has trailed me all the way to Pokhara–the hint that my life is full of theories. Even though my contact with my projects in Nepal has increased a great deal in the past year through Skype and regular written reporting, and I have files and files of documents proving to me that these creations are real, they still feel like experiments when I re-encounter them on the ground. Plus, there’s a big disappointment right off the bat: our first program director has left unexpectedly, after growing the Kaski Oral Health Care Project much less than we’d hoped since last fall. I’m tired and frustrated and it’s enough with the freelancing. I am ready to feel like I know what I’m doing, and some of this fits together, and it’s leading somewhere that matters.
Today it led back up the road to Kaski. I went to Vindivasini Temple this morning to catch the bus on its way down, so I could save a seat before the bus arrived at the park, where a crowd gathers around the door and starts pushing in to secure real estate for the ride up before people can even get out. As I waited, I sat on a stoop with my duffel by my feet, watching a man selling vegetables across the road. And I wondered again if this is all some kind of act. I’m just doing the same thing over and over. I can’t keep my grasp on what it’s about.
Other than a story. The word comes to me again, and then again: Story. Right out of the blue, at nine in the morning, I’m sitting on a stoop waiting for a bus, watching a man weigh a cauliflower, and the next thing I know I’m watching a story, and my identity is divorced from my soul. Poof! I am a character.
It must be natural that when you go through enough repetitions of something, even something incredible, it becomes unmoored from any particular episode. And with that goes its singular miraculousness, because it’s just what it is: a cycle. How profound would the sunset be if you only saw it once in your life?
Sometimes the sense that everything is just a series of events, with nothing transcendent to tie them together, seems like the most awful thing possible. Even the leaves clinging to the trees look worthless. But in certain moments, that same arbitrariness erases the perpetual burden of discerning the purpose of each passing instant, and my role in things is set free from an anchor that, in truth, may never have been there. What a relief.
This morning I watched the vegetable vendor. The story settled around me, like snow in its glass case, shaken from the sky. I waited, again, for the bus to take me up to Kaski, where I knew Aamaa would be waiting. Again. For me.